I have written this post a thousand ways in my head since I decided that I was going to share my story. The thing about childbirth- and this, as they say, could be the reason we keep going back to the labour ward– is that the further you move away from the delivery date and the longer you look at the miracle that is your child, the little scary moments begin to fade away. I am writing this post not to scare or worry a soon-to-be mother, but because had I read a post like it I may have been better prepared for my second delivery. My sharing also doesn’t mean that my experience is the norm. It is just my story. My truth.
As is the case with a couple of other mothers out there, I have had the experience of delivering naturally (with Kamau) and via C-section (with Kui). The truth is that each is an experience in itself and I am not here to say that this or the other is better. Labour isn’t easy. I went through it with Kamau and the one thing- for me- that is probably worse than the pain you go through is those very uncomfortable moments when a nurse has to check how far dilated your cervix is. I am so grateful that I did not have to go through that this time around. I was so afraid of having a C-section. I cannot describe how I felt as the nurses prepped me for theatre. The irony is that all the things I was afraid of, I need not have feared. I was scared of the pain I would feel when the drugs wore off- I had barely any. I was afraid of not healing well- I have had no trouble, whatsoever, with my wound. This is the reason I was totally unprepared when, on the second day post surgery, the headache hit me. You should have seen me that first night, Blogiary. As soon as I could feel my legs and I was certain the drugs had wore off I was elated that I wasn’t in pain! I was on Instagram, Facebook and messaging family and friends on Whatsapp. The nurses kept telling me to rest and I remember thinking I couldn’t wait for day break so I could see Kui and have my family meet her.
If you have never been in indescribable pain, then you cannot begin to understand the pain you are in when you are suffering from a spinal headache. I had spinal anaesthesia so that I was still awake during the operation. R and I met the anaesthetist when we were checking into the hospital and someone had told us that he was one of the best in his field- reassuring seeing as he was going to be sticking a huge needle in my spine. When he had nurses hold each of my hands and he asked me to press my chin onto my chest and try not to be afraid, it took great will power not to cry. Besides some brief discomfort, I cannot quite say I felt any pain. The room actually broke into a cheer when he confirmed that he had successfully completed the procedure. One of the nurses commended me on being brave and I was so proud of myself. See how unprepared I was for that sneaky headache? By the evening of the second day, I could barely walk from my bed to the bathroom. The most unfortunate thing I suppose is that it took another day for a nurse, that seemed to understand the pain I was in, to advise me that sitting down would only make the pain worse. By day three I had learned to sit only when I really had to. The pain was so bad that night that I barely listened (or cared) when one of the senior nurses lectured me about asking for the baby to spend the night in nursery. I remember thinking that the pain would drive me to one of two ends- death or madness. Yes, that bad. I learned how to breastfeed and eat while in a lying position. I actually welcomed the pain I would be in when Kui was struggling to latch on to feed as it was a distraction from my headache. The medication I was on didn’t seem to help (speaking of, how spooked was I when R mentioned that one of the drugs I was on was Lyrica. There’s an ad for Fibromyalgia on Hulu where they recommend taking Lyrica for pain relief. The catch is that there is a whole list of side effects including suicidal thoughts! Not something you want to be thinking about as you take your much needed medication).
The fact that I can sit down and write an entire blog post feels like a miracle to me, still. Heck, the fact that I don’t need to drink tea with a straw or that I can breastfeed Kui as I look down at her and smile is a really big deal! I am still not sure what worked. It could be that enough time passed by and the spinal fluid equilibrium was restored or maybe it was staying hydrated- I would take a glass of water every thirty minutes as advised my my brother-in-law. Perhaps it was the black coffee I took after resisting it for so long from fear that it would mess with my breast milk supply. Whatever it was, on Wednesday- a week and two days post surgery- the headache began to wear off. I have learned to be grateful for things we take for granted.
I feel like I was extremely afraid going into my second delivery. Strangely, all the things I was so afraid of turned out to be non issues. While I cannot predict what your birth story will be, can I at least tell you to take comfort in the miracle that is the baby that you will give life to? This, for me, was the lesson I learned when my headache subsided. We cannot control the things our bodies will go through during the birth of our children. We can, however, try and get past the fear we may feel as we embrace the fact that we are instruments of one of life’s greatest miracles. I also feel that knowledge is everything and that we should be as prepared as we can be so we may make knowledgeable decisions going into childbirth. Let the choice you make be based on information- I feel like I didn’t have that when I decided to get the spinal anaesthesia. Once you have the information, through your OBGYN, Lamaze teacher and reading material, put your fear aside and embrace the beauty of bringing life into the world. Embrace motherhood. This is the lesson I will pass on to my daugther when her time comes.
I wish you a birth without fear.
xoxo!
Raising Kamau! 